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Friday, 30 October 2009

  • Currently
    Colour Me Free!
    Free Me
    see related

    And so the new beginning....begins

    Well today was my "first day" of work...I put first day in quotes because A. I like using air quotes LOL, and B. TECHNICALLY, my first day is monday. Today was just orientation.

    I don't know what it was about today but I was feeling really good today. Midway thru the orientation, I started to feel really motivated/inspired/confident...you name it, I felt it....SO, instead of paying attention to worthless stories and policies you hear at EVERY orientation for ANY job, I pulled out my notebook and started sketching LOL. I was sketching designs to paint on these tote bags that I wanted to sell and give 10% of the proceeds to Keep A Child Alive for Christmas. (BTW: One of my FAVORITE designs was LATER shut down by my ex...well not so much shut down but, being that HE'S an artist and I'm not, I somewhat value his opinion...I mean he has to kno a LITTLE of what he's talking about right? Well as usual, he picked out SOMETHING that didn't look right about it which, in turn, made me start to think that it looked like shit and needed to be thrown away...I'm still debating.) Moving on...

    So today after work, which wasn't long thank GOD, I ran some errands (I spilled RED paint all over my BLUE carpet yesterday and have been trying for 2 days to get it out. It's out for the most part but you CAN tell there was a spill there. i can cover it up but that's not what I'm worried about it. I'm worried about having to pay for it when I move out.), came home, ate, cleaned up, then started painting, then my back started hurting (as usual...i guess cuz of how I was sitting) so I had to stop painting...then I just chilled for the rest of the day really.

    So let me tell you a little about my day at work. Semi-funny story which is why I wanna tell it. So I think I'm gonna like this job because...well there are a number of reasons. One of them being that it SEEMS as tho the place is like 80% african american...which for ME, normally would be a bad thing because black ppl intimidate me (long story...I'll explain another time LOL) but...I need to make some friends here cuz I don't know anyone but my ex, who...nevermind...another long story, and his cousin and HIS girlfriend...so I need more ppl to hang out with...ALSO, I think I'm gonna like it because this company is big but they're not real extra like most companies, they seem real laid back. For example, my last PAYING job was at Whole Foods. OMG that fuckin training drove me up a WALL! They tried so hard to make the damn training session a fuckin party and its like "really? can...I just sign my paperwork and get the fuck outta here?" But no, they're running and jumpin all over the place screamin "YEA!!! WHOLE FOODS!! WHOOOO!!!" like they're at the fuckin Superbowl...dude chill. I thought they were gonna break out the damn confetti and ish. But at this NEW place, all the ppl in my training class pretty much looked like me, bored, ready to go, into it but not all THAT into it; into it enough to pay attention to what was important.

    But there's ALWAYS one...

    There's ALWAYS...ALWAYS...one person in the bunch that asks too many questions. This one lady happened to be almost old, and white, and MAYBE about 300 pounds. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to clown her, she seems very nice...but damn. Ok FIRST, I don't think she fully understood how to fill out her paperwork (which, honestly was kind of ridiculous because, how old are you? Yea you shoud have done this numerous times by now), second, this lady LITERALLY (emphasis on LITERALLY) asked questions that, I shit you not, had JUST been answered like 2 seconds ago. The lady says "Wherever it says employee number, just leave that blank". 5 seconds later, unattentive employee (that's what we'll call her for all intents and purposes) LITERALLY raises her hand and asks, "What do we put under employee number?" And not in a tone that suggests that she KNEW the lady said something about it but she just wasn't fully paying attention, but in a tone that suggested that her ass just WASN'T in the room at ALL when the question was JUST answered FIVE SECONDS ago...This happened more than once. And I wasn't the only one to notice, me and these other 2 girls kept looking at each other and laughing and shaking our heads and rolling our eyes like, "she CANT be forreal"...and then somewhere in there she asked a REAL crazy question but damnit if I didn't forget what it was...

    Anyway...another hilarious thing that happened during orientation. The hiring recruiter, the FIRST one to speak, had to go thru a powerpoint, and we were already running a little behind schedule so he went thru it real fast. When he's done, AGAIN I shit you not, he says (black guy BTW), "Ya'll see how I skeeted thru that real fast? Skeet Skeet!" ...maaaan me and this girl looked at each other like yoooO! did he REALLY just say that?! LOL Then I look to the guy sitting next me and he's *dead*...like seriously either he meant to say something else or he just didn't kno the other definition of that word...twas hilarious tho..

    Let me see...I think those were all the high points of the work day...

    I'm actually excited about next week. I dont know, there is something about starting a new job that excites me because I like to show off the fact that I'm smart and that I am a fast learner. And I like to take in a bunch of info...or something like that...

    Anyway...I'm out of words (surprise...cuz this ish WAS kinda long wasn't it? LOL..sorry guys)...so I'm out for the night.

    Oh wait!! I totally forgot to mention my move! Duh....yea so I moved to NC! Finally! (Hence the job) I got the HELL out of Richmond (again)....and JUST in time too cuz I was about to lose my damn MIND in that house...smh. I found an apartment 2 days after I got hired and moved in a week later and now I finally have my own place and I LOVES it! It's MINE! I can keep it junky if I want, I can turn the heat on when I want, I can walk around butt-ass NAKED if I want!! Amazing...I love it...Sometimes I get a little lonely cuz, like I said, I don't know very many ppl here, but thank God for video chat right? I have faith that I'll make some friends at work. Hell I kinda already did...but yea...that's about it.
    Oh yea...I forgot to mention that I'm going natural!! (YAY ME!!) And I'm chronicling my journey on another blog Natural Fab that I TRY to update often but, right now I have braids so I don't have much to update. But go check it out anyway!!

    Follow me on Twitter @PrettyBrwnAngel

    SMOOCHES!!

Wednesday, 26 August 2009

  • Currently
    Let the Truth Be Told
    By Laura Izibor
    I Don't Want You Back
    see related

    And so here we are...

    Before I get started, I forgot to mention that I have a new blog. This is a seperate blog solely for the purpose of me chronicling my journey as I transition from relaxed to natural hair. THAT'S RIGHT! I'm going natural!! I love it so far...kinda LOL

    NaturalFab.blogspot.com

    Anyway on to the main event...

    So last week I was on the brink of cutting off my ex for GOOD because of something I saw that made me kinda upset. But after some smooth talkin from him (as usual) and him convincing me that he needs me in his life to "know whats going on with me" (which I am STILL convinced is a bullshit answer because he can do that thru Twitter, which is how he does it now anyways...it's NOT like he calls me or texts me to ask "How are you doing Jessica?") and whatever else...I decided that we could still stay in contact but under MY terms only this time. I said that because ever since we broke up, EVERYTHING has been on HIS terms. I keep letting him have TOO much power and it stops here.  The terms weren't much. The purpose of most of them was to allow me to be friends with him while still keeping my sanity. A lot of the things he's been saying to me lately have caused me to get my hopes up....and evidently for nothing. SO I had to put a stop to it.

    Now...he may get mad at me if he reads this cuz APPARENTLY I put "our" (didn't know we still had an "our") business out there too much. Well I'm sorry but I'm not a private person. I don't see the need in being private. Whoever you are that is reading this you can judge me all you wont but I'll probably never meet 90% of you and even if I DO, you ain't doin nuthin for me for you opinion of me to matter. Sorry...I'm just bein real. Anyway...it pissed me off that he constantly tries to regulate what IM saying on MY shit, but his "GIRL" who he LIVES with can say whatever the hell SHE wants and it's cool. What kinda shit is that? Since I apparently don't mean anything to you, then don't WORRY about what IM saying, focus on ol' girl! I'm sorry guys that shit just rubbed me the WRONG way...real talk. Not cool.

    Another reason I'm upset is because he spits all this shit at me trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to cut him out of my life and saying that he doesn't want it or whatnot...and guess what, I haven't heard from him SINCE I told him it was cool for us to still be friends! And you REALLY wanna know what's going on with me? Wow...way to find out buddy! Let me reiterate...i dont give a FUCK if he gets mad about this because damnit IM MAD! I'm tired of being played by this dude...I'm fed the fuck up. It's not cool. He may think it's fun to play with people's hearts and emotions but the shit ain't cool...at all. And it DAMN sure aint fun.

    There was a time...a few weeks ago actually, where I REFUSED to see the bad in him that everyone kept pointing out to me...All I saw was who I KNEW and i KNEW he wouldn't treat me like that on PURPOSE. There HAD to be some other reason. They were right...he is and was doing it on purpose. I tried SO hard to give him the benefit of the doubt. I gave him chances to be the him that I know. He failed. I told him CONSTANTLY that I can't JUST be his friend, all the while he's refusing to get out of my life...so I give him CHANCES (PLURAL) to be my friend and what does he do? Nothing....no friendliness whatsoever. No calls, no texts, no email, no IM's...the only time he'll talk to me is when him and her are having problems :-\....I mean shit...I hear from his little brother everyDAY! His little brother HATED me the 3 years we were together...*sigh* I can't discuss this anymore I'm getting too upset...Fuckin up my damn Zen...

    It's whatever tho cuz word must have gotten out that I'm single again so my phone has been ringing off the hook with guys from my past wanting to see me...new guys too. It feels kinda good but at the same time it feels weird.

    I don't know where all this is coming from...D says that my heart was probably blocked by love. And now that I'm focused from the brain, all the anger is coming out...I think he's right. It makes TOTAL sense.

    The sad part about all this...I STILL can't say that if he was to come back to me (which I doubted will happen now but whatever...) that I wouldn't take him back...it's dumb I know but it's the harsh reality of it. That's just how I feel...I mean it would take some HARD WORK on his part to get back on my good side which I honestly don't feel like he'd be willing to do but....yea.

    Anyway...I think I'm done with my rant for the night. I'm going to NYC this weekend (FINALLY!!)! And its gonna be AMAZING! This time I'm hopin to meet up with ALL my homies...last time I only saw 2. Oh and I got a new computer! It's a netbook. You know those small computers from the Verizon commercial...yea...that. I love it! It's so convenient!! Even IF SOMEONE says it's too small


    Ok....nite!!

    P.S. PLEASE pick up Laura Izibor's album! It's AMAZING! I haven't had a CD that I could play on repeat like 2 or three times ALL the way thru since Joss Stone's "Mind, Body, and Soul"....but now I have this!! Chrisette was ALMOST there but there's like 1 or 2 songs on her album I don't like...so yea

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

  • "Acting White" vs. Being Proper

    My sisters, my mom and I went for a walk today and my sister said something that kinda made me mad...but I've heard shit like this before and it pisses me off everytime I hear it.

    She says, "this guy once told me that I walked white and that I chewed white because I ate one bite at a time." *Record Scratch* Nigga say WHAT?

    I absolutely DETEST when people come out they're mouth with DUMB shit like that!!!

    People used to call me "white" all the time just because I talked proper and didn't use slang all the fuckin time....and cuz I knew that "ain't got no" is a double negative and "conversate" is NOT a word. I'm sorry boo but that does NOT mean I'm white...that means...im EDUCATED! Get on my level instead of HATING!

    That statement pisses me off the MOST because it's basically equating black people with being uneducated and incapable of being proper...WTF?! Do we NOT have a black president? Is HE not eloquent? You don't see him going up to the podium starting a speech off with "Aight my dudes...this how it's goin down and shit..." Does that mean HE's white? I mean sure he's HALF white but come on now....that's a whole nutha conversation in and of itself...

    So back to what my sis said. What REALLY bugged me out was dude saying that she WALKED white. How the FUCK do white people walk??! I thought we all walked the same, aside from ppl that are bow-legged, pigeon-toed, dudes tryin to keep their pants up on their ass (BTW...cut that shit out...its 09. Baggy jeans need to GO! Pull ya pants up!), and just people with a certain SWAG...u kno what I'm talkin about LOL.

    And the SAD thing about it is, its the BLACK people that are comin outta their mouths with this nonsense!!! AYS?!

    Anyways....black people we really need to work harder at getting ourselves out of this "uneducated/unproper" stereotype...it's NOT a good look. We can DEF do better (That seems to be the slogan for a lot of things/people this year...HEARTLESS PEOPLE: Ya'll can DEF do better!! )

    Much luv

Thursday, 13 August 2009

  • Currently
    Let the Truth Be Told
    By Laura Izibor
    Shine
    see related

    OK so now that I got that rant out of the way...

    I've started a new blog.On blogspot. It's to chronicle my journey as I transiton from relaxed hair to natural. I'm so freakin READY to do my big chop (when I cut all of my relaxed hair off)!!! But I gotta wait til I get back from DC. In the meantime...check out my blog so far www.naturalfab.blogspot.com

    So I'm going to DC this weekend! LOL...I can't wait..The last time I was n DC was only for like a day and it was to see Alicia at Love (FUN NIGHT!!) This weekend me and my fam are going up cuz my sisters and my mom are visiting friends...and I will be too! I'm goin to this club called Modern with one of my friends from high school. I'm gonna have fun!

    So on the health tip....turns out, I have a tumor on my heart. And in like the next month or so, I'm gonna have to have open heart surgery.  Yea they found a mass on my heart when I went to go get all my testing done to get on the transplant list, and I went to have it tested and they found that it was a tumor. Supposedly it's benign...he says it's 95-95% possible that it's benign...so I guess I'm supposed to go off that. We've had a lot of communication problems with this doc but thats a whole nuther story in and of itself...

    Anyway...I'm a little scared. A little worried...But I think I'll be ok. I'll just leave it in God's hands. I said a few days ago on my Twitter that I don't think God would have put me in these situations if he didn't think I could handle them...

    So umm...yea I think that's pretty much all I have to say for right now...

    Until next time...

     

    P.S. Laura Izibor's album is a MUST HAVE! I'll admit she sounds ALOT like Joss Stone and to ME, she's kind of a cross between Joss and the lead singer from Little Jackie...but her voice is REALLY good. And she's ONLY 22! I would have NEVER known! Just wanted to add that...

Sunday, 09 August 2009

  • Currently
    Evolver
    By John Legend
    This TIme
    see related

    Dummy Update.

    Previously on "Dumb and In Love"...

    I was fine. I was in NC, I was doing ME, I was GOOD. It had been 2 months since I had made any contact with him and I was FINE with that. I was doing GREAT.

    and then...

    I decide to send him an email. A FRIENDLY email just letting him know that I was still there for him and not to give up on his goals...blah blah blah. THAT'S where it started.

    But I didn't notice. When I DID notice was on his birthday. When I texted him to tell him Happy Birthday. I thought that would be the end of it but no...I hear from him that night. He texted me something that made me smile for DAYS and I have NO clue why. Basically the jist of the convo was that the song "Pretty Wings" reminded him of our situation and how he "had to let me go to spread my wings and live life". So my whole thing was...ok that's great but...you didn't have to let me go FOREVER to do that. And his response to THAT was "Who said I did?" THERE'S THE FUCKIN KICKER! That's what got me...that's what reeled me in...*STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!*

    Anyway...since then...there has been minimal conversation. Which is GOOD considering for 2 months there was NO conversation. Most of this conversation did NOT involve our "situation"...it was just friendly stuff...yadda yadda yadda...

    So right now...I'm back in NC (I went home for 2 weeks because I had a class). And I thought to myself (like the fuckin IDIOT that I am) "hmm...I wonder if we could hang out or sumthin" *dumbass* OF COURSE he doesn't wanna see me. (He SAYS he does but...idk what to believe right now cuz...call me crazy but, if you wanna see someone, you would try to see them right?) Anyway...so today we have another conversation. This one's about us. And it HIGHLY pisses me off.

    For some ODD ass reason, he's left it up to himself to determine what's good for me and what I need and don't need. So basically, he SAYS that he feels like if we were to see each other right now, it would "mess up my progress"....and you kno, he COULD be right...but shouldn't that be for ME to decide?

    Anyway...I'm kind of annoyed right now because A) I feel like I've been played YET again AND I played MYSELF and B) I'm REALLY tired of getting mixed messages from him...I feel like it's not fair. And I feel like he should let me know what the fuck is UP! I mean we're both adults here...we should be able to communicate as such.

    I'm annoyed but mostly I'm mad at myself. I basically just handed him the upper hand and he's LOVING it. He LOVES that he has this strong hold over me...

    I'm at a crossroads because I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. I don't know how to handle it...

    I'm so mad because I was SO strong and SO happy for the FIRST time this YEAR. And then he came BACK into my life and made me happiER for a moment. But now...knowing that it was all just a fuckin game and knowing that AGAIN I obviously mean nothing to him is just...breaking me. And it pisses me off that I'm like...being used. Whenever things are going wrong with HER, he has time for me again. But then when things are all right again...it's"bye bye Jessi"..and that's not right. AT ALL...That kind of treatment shouldn't come from someone who supposedly "loves" and "cares about" you. Right?

    I have confidence tho that I'll get back to how I was...it's just gonna take some time. Time heals all wounds right?

    It's crazy cuz I should have BEEN over this guy by now...but the fact that there's still something there, and there's a possibility that we could get back together...is holding me back.

    He told me recently that before he met me, he was miserable. And then he met me and things got better. So sometimes I have to ask myself...if I made him  so happy, why doesn't he want me anymore. Why and where did he stop loving me to the point where he has to put me through all of this? And NOT CARE??

    Anyway...I can't say any of this to him cuz he'll str8 ignore me (tonite is a prime example...I can talk to you about anything huh? yea right...). It'll go in one ear and out the other...so that's why I'm tellin you Xangites...I just needed somewhere to vent...


    I think I'm gonna go cry now....

kEyZaNgEl

  • Visit kEyZaNgEl's Xanga Site
    • Name: Jessica
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 1/24/2006

About Me

  • Um....lets see...I am a determined female...ready to be in that crazy business we call...The Industry (music)...umm...I love MUSIC, fashion, shoppin, TV, art, nice ppl (esp. nice, honest guys)...love to travel...anything else u wanna kno...just ask!!!

Pulse

Memories (1)

  • Walkin in Central Park with Dwayne